Ammie Not Amy

More from Yogi Bhajan

You have to be you and that can only happen if you love yourself. - Yogi Bhajan

This explains why I'm not sure of myself in a nutshell.

Compliment?

So, I just have to get something off my chest that's been bugging me.  Several times over the last few months I've had several family members and friends ask me the question that every recipient of WLS dreads -

  "Are you up a few pounds?"  

I am and I'm not gonna lie about it.  I'm ashamed, embarrassed, and angry at myself, but I'm up about 8-10 pounds (depends on the day).  That, in and of itself, bugs me more than you could ever know, but what bugs me more is the response I've been getting to my very honest admission.  Are you ready for it?  Can you guess what it is?  

"Oh good! I was getting a little worried.  You were starting to look a little gaunt"

Gaunt?  Are you freaking kidding me?   Really? 130 (my low) is the going rate for gaunt these days? While I'm sure that their response is meant as a compliment on my current weight (which I hate, I might as well weigh 200+ pounds again because I feel no different now) it feels awful.  It feels like an excuse to fail.  It makes me feel angry that I worked so hard to get to that number, to feel good about myself and then when I'm no longer there it's like they're stomping all over that hard work and confidence that I gained.  It's a slap in the face and makes me wonder if people say things like this because they are happy to see me fail. Another reason it bothers me so much is that 130 was still 8 pounds shy of my doctor's goal weight for me.  130 was BARELY within the "normal" BMI range for my height.  Had I not picked up a nice little transfer distraction (not quite an addiction but definitely a transfer from one bad habit to another) I'd still be at 130 and what would all of those well-meaning people have to say then?  When I try to explain my frustration to them over their comments they act like I'm some weight obsessed waif with an eating disorder.  And while I realize these people love and care about me, I can't seem to get over the mess that this "compliment" has left in my head.  

Sober

so⋅ber

  [soh-ber]  Show IPA adjective, -er, -est, verb

Use sober in a Sentence

–adjective

1.	not intoxicated or drunk.

2.	habitually temperate, esp. in the use of liquor.

3.	quiet or sedate in demeanor, as persons.

4.	marked by seriousness, gravity, solemnity, etc., as of demeanor, speech, etc.: a sober occasion.

5.	subdued in tone, as color; not gay or showy, as clothes.

6.	free from excess, extravagance, or exaggeration: sober facts.

7.	showing self-control: sober restraint.

8.	sane or rational: a sober solution to the problem.

–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)

What are you trying to avoid in excess?  Food, Alcohol, Sex, Shopping, Drugs?  And how do you feel good when you're sober because I can't seem to figure that out these days?

Lettuce...a vial weed

When I was 14 or 15 I was convinced I was fat.  In reality, I probably needed to lose 5-10 pounds and I'd kill to weigh now what I did then. Somehow though, I convinced my mother to let me join the local Diet Center (do they even exist still?).  One of the guidelines of their plan was to consume 8-10 cups of lettuce every single day.  I hated it then and I've hated lettuce even more since then.  Needless to say, I lost very little weight because it was nearly impossible for me to force feed myself that much lettuce everyday.  Blech!

Over the last 3 days I've had more lettuce than I've probably ever had as a post-op and I think that vial weed is finally taking revenge on my stomach.  The stuff goes right through me.  It's awful.  I'm starting to wonder now if the food poisoning I had in mid-July was just a bad reaction to a salad I had eaten for dinner.  I don't think I'll ever eat lettuce again.  It's that bad!

A full range of emotions

These were taken 4 years ago.  I came across them earlier today.  They made me cry a little, hate myself, & be grateful all at the same time.

It's 5 o'clock somewhere

I do really well until 5 and then everything unravels.  Not sure if it's because I'm tired, bored, or a combination of the two.  I'm trying to stay positive and stick to my rules. 

 I've been tracking my food and to be honest, I'm not sure how many calories I should be eating.  I should call up my wls clinic and ask I guess.  Duh!  The good news is that tomorrow is a new day, right?

I suck

The 5 day pouch test went well.  I learned that I am still able to feel that fullness in my pouch when eating and that I can sustain myself on 800 calories or less (sometimes only 500).  I even lost 3 pounds at the end of the 5 days.  The problem is that it all went to shit on day 6.  I'm really mad at myself.  I hate that I still feel like I have no control over my addictions (and that there is more than 1 now).  The scale keeps going up and it makes me want to cry, throw a fit, and ultimately punish my body by putting junk in it.  I have to get this under control and at least for today, I have a plan.  My plan for today is:

*To not eat carbs that are bad for me (minus the wedge of banana chocolate chip muffin I've already popped into my mouth),

*To drink protein shakes all day and only eat 1 solid meal (dinner),

*Log every single calorie that goes into my mouth (the wedge of muffin included),

*Drink 64 ounces of water today (this will be the hardest for me) and abstain from drinking any drinks that have calories and contain 0 protein.

I should probably add exercise onto this list but I don't want to set myself up to fail.  I'm going to take it one day at a time.  Today is day one.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it.

Pouch Test Day 2

Yesterday was a breeze!  I felt great and it's true, I do not feel hunger pains at all.  Today has been harder.  I have had a headache most of the afternoon (carb withdrawal?).  Still no hunger pains but definitely feeling a little more run down.  Tomorrow I think I can eat tuna and eggs. I'd better go boil some now.  Stay tuned.

P.S  And not weight loss as of this morning.

5 Day Pouch Test

I'm doing it out of neccessity. Today is day one. It's almost 12:35 & I'm not the slightest bit hungry (physically hungry that is). And no I haven't cheated either. I haven't been hungry in nearly 2 years. So will someone please tell me why I continue to eat?

Private

I'm thinking of going private.  There's lots of stuff going on with me but I don't feel like I can be completely honest unless I know exactly who's reading.  I'm computer challenged and can't figure out how to see which IP addresses are visiting the site much less ban the ones I'd prefer to not read here.  Maybe I have a huge ego thinking that anyone is reading here anyway.  It's not like I advertised the blog to anyone.  Originally I set this place up for myself, a safe place for me to let it all hang out.  I really need that now.  You've been warned.